An Op-Ed


Guest Blogger: C. Jade, 16

Picture this. You’re on a date with a vampire and he just keeps talking and talking and talking and talking. Not only does he keep talking, but the moment you try to say something, he butts in to say something about himself … again.  Basically, the conversation goes like this: “… and then she said hello and we were friends. What do you think about Marie Antoinette?” You say, “Well, I think she’s kind of–” But he breaks in with, “Oh, wait I forgot to mention…” In a melodramatic movie-like moment, you sigh, look away and see another girl on a date with a zombie. You envy how she keeps talking about her life and interests while the zombie hangs on her every word and stares straight into her eyes. Later, you lay in bed thinking about how zombies never argue and how you’ll always look good standing next to them. You also think about how you’ll never catch a zombie watching you sleep in the middle of the night like you did with your vampire boyfriend the previous evening.

Let’s get real here — us women love to be right, do we not? No woman wants a man who sits there and consistently argues that they’re right when we know–for a fact–that we are.  If you always want to be right, get a zombie boyfriend like groupies get concert tickets. They never argue with you, considering their vocabulary basically consists of a few “arrghhs” and “blarrghhs”. If you always want to be right, avoid a vampire like a germaphobe avoids people. Vampires will sit there forever talking about all kinds of things to prove you wrong since they’ve been alive for years. Good luck trying to prove a vampire wrong without being forced to listen to a lecture that starts off like, “Well, darling, when I was 203, I was good friends with Julius Ceasar and…” BORING! Don’t we get enough of that with parents?

Saying yes to becoming a vampire’s girlfriend is stepping onto a stage in the middle of a beauty competition with your hair in a messy bun, no make-up, wearing a wrinkled, bleached-stained shirt five sizes too big and ratty, old, paint-splattered sweats. Vampires basically wake up chiseled and perfect, with all five inches of their hair perfectly gelled and combed. You could walk around with an extravagant, sparkly, bright, neon sign that says BEAUTIFUL and still wouldn’t compare to his beauty. He’s well past 80; shouldn’t he have the winkles — not you? Saying yes to becoming a zombie’s girlfriend means you can go out with your hair in a messy bun, no make-up, wearing a wrinkled, bleached-stained shirt five sizes too big and ratty, old, paint-splattered sweats and still outshine your zombie boyfriend by 300%. Besides, zombies don’t care what you look like; they always want you for your brain.

Take a look at Dracula! Dracula sneaks into Lucy’s room and drains her of her blood. Take a look at Edward! Edward sneaks into Bella’s room and watches her sleep. Before the second date with your vampire boyfriend, you’d be getting a restraining order. There’s a word that goes with vampires and it rhymes with ‘talkers’. Not only that, but they’re so needy. I need to see you sleep. I need you to stay forever. I need to suck your blood. Who needs a needy boyfriend when you can get a guy who will do whatever you say? Plus, if you get annoyed at your zombie boyfriend, you can just lock him in a closet for a while and he would never complain. In fact, I’m sure he’d be so happy to see you, he’d stick out his arms and scuttle towards you for a hug.

Picture this. You’re on a date with a zombie and he romantically stares into your eyes and listens to every word you say. Not only does he listen, but he never interrupts with something selfish. He actually cares about you and your thoughts. You look around smiling while you and your zombie boyfriend relax into that comfortable silence and see another girl on a date with a vampire. You feel some empathy towards her because that was you just a couple months ago. You remember how your vampire ex-boyfriend always argued with you, how he always looked better than you no matter how hard you tried. You wonder if that girl has caught her vampire boyfriend watching her sleep in the middle of the night yet. Right before you look away, you catch her eye and you realize that she’s thinking the same thing you were thinking about your vampire ex-boyfriend a couple months ago. Now, aren’t you glad you made the right decision?

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